Internationalist Features

A to Z: POLITICAL PARTIES

Running a democratic country is like throwing an all-campus party: You do your best to make everyone happy, but inevitably some guest will arrive who is so recalcitrant or outlandish that he makes a mockery of your inclusive efforts. Even more frustrating? When Mr. Outlandish arrives with a rowdy entourage of like-minded people, known in the democratic tradition as a political party. But so long as zealous fanatics and noble idealists alike find friends (however offensive they may be), democracies must recognize them as valid representative organizations. In that spirit, here are some choice cuts from around the world-from the obscure and unknown to the controversial and powerful, with everything in between... Our starter course on "Political Parties: A-Z"

A:

Absolutely Absurd Party (Canada)

True to their name, this party embraces the ridiculous. For starters, they demonstrate their impeccable understanding of the democratic ideal by arguing that the candidate garnering the fewest votes should win the election. These brilliant activists have also suggested that a squad of rock/paper/scissors experts should replace the Department of Defense, and that the government should lower the voting age to 14, because, in their own words, "when was the last time a 14-year-old started a war?"

B:

Ba'ath Party (Syria)

Ba'ath translates as "rebirth." The party's ideological objectives? Secularism, socialism, and pan-Arab unionism (although the party stands accused of achieving none of these since gaining power in 1963). Led for 30 years by Hafiz Al-Asad, parliament immediately amended the Syrian constitution on news of his death, lowering the minimum presidential age from 40 to 34, allowing Al-Asad's 34-year-old son to grab the party's nomination. He ran unopposed, claiming over 97% of the vote. What kind of nepotism-loving, undemocratic group would elect an ex-president's son to become president? Oh, that's right.

C:

Clean Government Party, New (Japan)

This large political party is a strong advocate of humanitarian politics and government reform. Based on the Soka Gakkai religious movement (which preaches an esoteric brand of Buddhism), the sect has faced criticism for its relentless evangelism around the world. Incidentally, the party supported the US decision to send troops to Iraq. We at the Internationalist feel that Buddha's endorsement of the war was a long time coming; after all, Jesus and Mohammad gave the thumbs up way back in 2003.

D:

Destiny New Zealand (NZ)

Founded in 2003 by the Destiny Church televangelist Brian Tamaki, this conservative Kiwi party formed to combat an alleged erosion of family values. The party condemns whatever it perceives as anti-marriage, anti-family, and anti-Christian, and bemoans both fatherless families and the decline of strong male leadership. Tamaki once referred to female political leaders as part of the "Devil's strategy," although he has since claimed his comments were taken out of context. What, is that controversial?

E:

Ezenhemmer Plastic Bags and Child Rearing Utensils Party (Sweden)

"Everybody would feel a lot better and be more in harmony with the rest of the world if we began to be a little bit more cheerful and playful," claims the party that combines serious leadership (like promoting language education) with a number of less serious initiatives intended to increase overall happiness (like subsidizing all Sweden-to-London trips). Some confusion remains as to what, exactly, a Child Rearing Utensil is, but we don't think it sounds comfortable.

F:

FRETILIN, The Revolutionary Front for an Independent East Timor

Proudly claiming one Nobel Peace Prize winner (Jose Ramos-Horta, 1996, for his "sustained efforts to hinder the oppression of a small people"), FRETILIN narrowly won East Timor's 2001 elections-the first since the country become independent from Indonesia. The party's stated purpose is simple yet controversial: "To alleviate the general hardship and poverty of the East Timorese people."

G:

Guns and Dope Party (USA)

Loosely libertarian in ideology, this ganja-loving gang endorses, well, "everyone" (which includes an advisory to jot your own name onto the ballot) during presidential elections. One of their more far-fetched goals is to replace one-third of Congress with a flock of ostriches.

H:

Hellenic Front (Greece)

The raison d'etre of this party is "to raise national conscience and inspire freedom, creativity, and development" in Greece by thwarting the influence of all foreign economies, cultures, and ideas. This plucky party has endorsed candidates in a number of countrywide elections, including the party president, Makis Voridis, whose last attempt at the mayorship of Athens (1998) earned him only slightly more than one-half of one percent of the vote. Go Hellenic Front!

i:

Inkatha Freedom Party (South Africa)

This party traces its roots to the Inkatha, a 1920s Zulu cultural organization created for black South Africans to fight British and Afrikaner imperialism. An anti-apartheid party, the IFP originally advocated ending apartheid-related violence, but apparently became confused; instead of ending bloodshed, they were accused of perpetrating organized violence against Nelson Mandela's majority party, the African National Congress (ANC). Whoops. Today, the party is attempting to make their narrow Zulu-based platform more inclusive of other South Africans.

j:

Junilistan (Sweden)

This party favors EU membership, but opposes too much centralization, fearing the potential of a monolithic "United States of Europe." Organizers formed the party in 2004 in support of a national referendum that rejected the euro in favor of Sweden's own currency, the krona, which, we are pleased to note, shares a phonetic similarity with a delicious Mexican beer.

k:

Kurdistan Democratic Party (free Kurdistan)

This Kurdish Party is tribe-based and militaristic and operates from the area around Iraq's border with Turkey (commonly called "free Kurdistan" by the Kurds). After the Gulf War, this party was an influential anti-Saddam clearinghouse, and in 2003 it joined the fight against Hussein as part of the "Coalition of the Willing." The KDP is represented in all corners of Kurdistan's projected borders, including Iran, Syria, Turkey, and Lebanon.

l:

Lower Excise Fuel and Beer Party (Australia)

Founded by blue-collar workers in Australia, this party believes that majority parties have forgotten the little guy. What do they submit as evidence? Extraordinarily high fuel and beer prices that, they say, impinge upon the Aussie way of life. According to their website, "All our candidates will be working-class or small-business based, and will be selected principally for their social conscience and common sense." Mostly, party members just want the government to subsidize their next keg of Foster's already.

m:

McGillicuddy Serious Party (NZ)

Founded in 1980 to "ensure that the political process is not taken too seriously," this now defunct party advocated a number of very "serious" policies. The party's platform included a mandated return to the Middle Ages ("A Giant Leap Backwards"), using chocolate fish as legal tender, mandatory unemployment, the legalization of post-natal abortion, and full hedgehog suffrage. The party once enjoyed a surprising level of support, with some projecting that it might actually win a seat in parliament by logging all of the protest votes under its banner: "If you want to waste your vote, vote for us."

n:

National Accord (Iraq)

This Iraqi political party consists mostly of military and security personnel who defected under Saddam Hussein's rule during the Gulf War. It aims to achieve a peaceful, democratic government independent of outside interference. Since the fall of Saddam, the party has been a vital part of the occupation administration. Insert: wry joke about the "peaceful, democratic government independent of outside interference" currently in Iraq.

o:

Outdoor Recreation New Zealand (NZ)

Members of this small New Zealand party include hunters, fishermen, and other outdoorsy folk who feel constrained by current environmental policies and have banded together to regain individual control over Kiwi land and waters. The ORNZ advocates unrestricted access to public areas and the freedom to plunder New Zealand wildlife sans license.

p:

Pansexual Peace Party (USA)

This peace-preaching party's primary purpose is to "promote positive political progress and the partnership paradigm through prurient propaganda." Their platform promotes unfettered human sexuality, permissable polyamory, permaculture, and the apparent appreciation of p-words.

q:

Quebec Bloc Pot (Canada)

The original Canadian pro-pot party claims to combat crooked cops, undemocratic practices, media biases, and unfair elections. The QBP wants Canada to legalize marijuana, arguing that it would create new revenue, boost employment, and attract hoards of marijuana-deprived tourists. At the top of the agenda is a plan to open a "potluck" eatery-a bring-your-own-joint restaurant where people can eat and smoke in peace.

r:

Rock 'n' Roll Loony Party (UK)

The RRLP split from the Official Monster Raving Loony Party after the suicide of its much-loved founder, Screaming Lord Sutch, in 1999. Credited with being the first famous longhaired pop star, Sutch played 250 concerts a year in Europe to publicize his political campaigns. Not shockingly, the RRLP party line is often bizarre, although parts of its platform are politically realistic. The 18-year-old voting age, pet passports, and all-day pub openings can be partially attributed to this party's lobbying.

s:

Southern Independence Party (USA)

Since the Democrats "plunder the national treasury" to support "feminists, abortionists, ethnic minorities, [and] homosexual lobbies," and the Republicans "sponsor policies that seriously dilute state sovereignty and local control in the interests of plutocracy and global capitalism," these unhappy Southerners have formed the SIP to free the Dixieland from those damn Yankees. And to promote other progressive, novel 19th century ideas.

t:

Tomorrow Party (Egypt)

Founded in 2004, the Tomorrow Party is a centrist liberal secular party lead by Ayman Nour. The party seeks constitutional reform, limits on executive power, and the opening of the presidential election to multiple candidates. Nour ran for president in recent elections, despite a suspended prison sentence based on shady charges many suspect of being a government set-up. It's okay, Nour, the sun'll come out Tomorrow (Party).

u:

Uri Party (South Korea)

Translated to English as "our party," this South Korean party gained international attention by causing a ruckus at the National Assembly when members tried to block the speaker's chair and prevent the impeachment of President Roh. An enormous fistfight broke out, in which both furniture and four-letter epithets where hurled shamelessly until Uri Party members were physically restrained. The court eventually threw out the controversial charges against President Roh and the furniture in the National Assembly room was repaired.

v:

Vietnamese Fatherland Front (Vietnam)

This large, pro-government party is the umbrella organization for the communist party and is described as "the political base of people's power" in Vietnam. The party rallies for unity and nationalism and has the power to choose which religions will be officially recognized. Made up of leftover members of the Viet Cong, trade union activists, and a plethora of random religious organizations, VFF conventions must be quite a show.

w:

We Ourselves (Ireland)

This nationalistic party was originally established in 1905 by Arthur Griffith, and has several branches, the largest of which-Provisional Sinn Fein-is the only political party to be represented in the parliaments of both Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland. It advocates the unification of Ireland and promotes leftist values. You yourself should know that We Ourselves think that they themselves can unify Ireland…itself.

x:

Party X (USA)

This "non" political party isn't legitimate according to any government, and it wants to stay that way. With slogans such as "No lobbyists. No corporate donations. No hidden agendas," Party X hopes to appeal to those Americans worried about the state of politics in the country. Party X hopes to appeal to 50% of eligible Americans that don't vote by giving them alternatives to the current "liars, thieves, and scoundrels" that have perverted the Constitution. Just to be clear: Stephen Hawking is to the X-Games what the X Party is to American politics.

y:

Yabloko (Russia)

This Russian liberal party, which translates to "apple," was recently in the news when regional vice-president and reporter Larissa Yudina was murdered while investigating governmental finance abuse and corruption. Yabloko's independent investigation turned up two suspects and the murder is believed to be a contract killing linked to government officials. Which, in Russia, is just government as usual.

z:

Zimbabwe Youth in Alliance (Zimbabwe)

Young people in Zimbabwe have joined together to engage their peers in politics, restore democracy, and support agricultural productivity. The ZYIA supports additional educational reforms and decries Mugabe's recent clampdown on slum communities and the informal economy. Finally, these idealistic young people promise to stop corrupt officials from stealing government scholarships to send their own children abroad.